Adolescant Discovers Amazing Gift at Age 14

Even the great Superman could never compare to what this astounding eighth grader can perform with just the slightest twitch of his eye.

"We were running low on yukburger surprise, then he came around the corner and 'Poof', we were in full supply again."

All that littl Oscar Neophragm did was look at a fun silver tray of phun and surprise.

Neurologists that have studied this amazing child are calling his feat "Meat Vision" compared to Superman's "Heat Vision".

Practitioners of neurology and anthropology have never in their lives seen anything like it. Just one glance at something and it's a leg of lamb or a bloody rump roast. But in a series of unexplainable events, there have been reports of actual people becoming victimized by this bizarre phenominon.

Unfortunately, this power has fallen into the wrong hands. Late saturday morning, Oscar was kidnapped by terrorists. The secratary of defence states that they commited this evil crime in order to use his power to convert everyone into meat until the U.S. govornment gave into their demands of world power and domination of the Hawiian islands. Speculations also claim that they want free candy along with major doses of diuretics for the elders and children of their fallen countries that have so well adapted to self destruction and public decapitations of foreign people.

The boy with the amazing gift is promised to be given back to his worry stricken mother who waits anxiously in her closet eating a full supply of snikers bars and ice cream sandwiches while she poders her lost sons condition.

There have been only a few clues as to where the boy could be. One of them is an odd phone number that goes as follows: 867-5309. There was also an empty bag of "Jussi Pussi" bread and a used condom with the words "Saddam was gay with me" written in pemanent marker.

We Will Forever Mourn Our Loss

We apologize for the inconvenience of not bringing unto you, our loyal reader, the top of the line news reports that keep you up to date on vital information. However, our higest ranking reporter, James E. Garfield, tragically lost his life when uncovering the secrets of the White House.

As he was making his way to the vault, guided by the one named Sgt. Gumbee Tootles, he was jumpped and murdered by millions of secrurity men. His camera piece picked up only enough to indicate that the president wanted to declair war on Wisconson, the Pacific Ocean, and Disney Land. Notwithstanding, James used his super Aiado skills to fend off many thousands of the pretentious guards, but they were able mame him in the name of this so called "justice".

What we here do not understand is that he was welcomed into the whitehouse to investigate the true reason behind the War on Terrorism. It states in our first amendment that the press is free to do its job, as long as it does not disturb the peace or obstruct any of the U.S. laws.

But it is not the secretism nor is it the true unorthodox nature of our nation that this article is about, but it is to mourn the loss of one that we kept close to our hearts. May the lord take him nigh and rest his spirit in the peaceful sanctity of the heavenly gates.

Scientific Fact:Lard Is Good For You

Scientists everywhere have now proven that lard, a greasy substitute for butter and/or margarine, is a healthy part of anyone’s diet, exceeding even that of fruits and grain.

Ethereal Darkness, however, says different, that lard is the very epitome of the excessive human obesity that is killing the nation.

Well Ethereal, you were wrong.

If it was not for this delicious, meltable substance, the human race would not be able to float and therefore, the rate of drowning would be through the roof.

"Even so," says pedestrian, Mike Vee "Fat people are ugly and need to be shot."

Interviewing several others, all of them fully supported Mike's input and even added other antics.

But scientists say this," There are plenty of people who smoke, drink and are incest and they get very ugly, but the point is not the charismatic appearance of the lard eater, but the fact that they stay natural and healthy through the consumption of other organisms fatty tissues."

We at The Daily Poop say "In your face Mike Vee!"

With such a grand discovery, many averaged size people will turn to lardism as a way to beat the insulting of fat individuals, for they themselves will be excessively large, and if these that feel are the strongest of everyone will come to find that fighting a fat man is a very hard job, which would make another good aspect of this heavenly meal.

"There was this one kid who thought he was so strong," Says Fatass McBlobbicus, "Then he tried to beat me up and all I had to do was fall over and it ended where it began." *squish*

So, in conclusion, we say to you friend reader, to go out there and stuff your gullet with the natural beauty of butter flavored Crisco and see the true freedom of being one fat mudduh.

Psycho Grandma Dies After Distributing Poisoned Brownies to Local Children

Yesterday, Ethyl Pootingraten, 93, was arrested when several town children were given warm delicious brownies injected with a leathal dose of Pepto Bysmol. All six children were hospitalized with overexaggerated amounts of diarreah in their system and recieved intensive treatment at the Loogiedale Hospital.

"But it's my favorite ingredient." Ethyl pleaded when she heard of the dreaded misfortune. Obviously, she failed to read the warning sign on the side of the canister reading, KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.

However, when authority figures went to put Ethyl into custody, her entire attitude went from innocent elder to meniacal psychopath.

"I tried to club her when I saw her eyes turn bloodshot and her mouth foam," says trooper Steve "but she was way too nimble for me! She took my tonfa and knocked me out with it."

It wasn't until several minutes passed that reenforcements arrived to assist Steve in bringing down the crazy elder.

"She had the cuffs on in front of her," Says Winkle McJoe "and like they were nothing but a thread of tinsil, she broke out of them and retreated back into her home."

Unfortunately for the army of backup, Ethyl was prepared for a war.

Jane Goodwrench recalls the entire ordeal, "She dashed into her house, and just like in them japanese cartoons, her house transformed into a colossal fortress, fully equipped with vulcan turrets and 28mm cannons, not to mention the photon lazers that nearly killed us."

The battle waged for only a few seconds; until Ethyl collapsed and died of in a bizzare instance of spontaneous combustion followed by a full body explosion.

Although Police were relieved that the nonsense had ended before it began, they fear terribly that they may be infected by the deadly exploding virus.

Funeral arrangements will be held at Thuhtalistbrijendawerld, where her ashes will be spread throughout the river basin in the valley below.

Angry Mob of Gingerbread Men Attack European Cookie Factory

Do you know the muffin man?

On April 15, the Heart 2 Heart cookie factory was viciously raided by an army of animate cookie figurines. The entire facility was blocked off by the factories own home made cookie dough, leaving the helpless workers inside to be torn to pieces by these vile and blood thirsty men ginger and love.

the horror inside could only be thought of as a war zone, a deadly game of manhunt that ended the lives of many.

Forensic scientists had taken samples of the crumbs that were left behind by the miniature monsters and linked them to a sick and twisted act of a voodooist. It took the magic of an ancient witch by the name of Vayanalthela to track down the evil behind this random genocide.

When Vayanalthela found the culprit, it shocked the entire continent.

"Who would have guessed that it was a little kid behind it." says Boyeye Needatann, a well known drill instructor.

When Fritz Foargretthae, 7, was asked why he committed such an sin, his answer was simple.

"Their cookies tasted like ass!"

His conjecture was proven absolutely true. When the factory cookies were taken to the Transylvanian Laboratories, scientists discovered that the content of their original chocolate chip cookies were the same as that of a healthy lump of human feces.

there were no charges against Fritz, however, he was taken under the wing of Vayanalthela to be thought to master the art of witchcraft and wizardry.

Newest Competition in the Gang World is the Biggest Threat in NYC

Look out all you Crypts, Bloods and Kings, there's a new gang out there and they're waiting for you to make your first mistake... not turning your frown upside down.

Since early last spring, there had been talk of a notorious gang that would be in order as soon as they had enough members to join. But just recently, the corpses of all three gang lords were found on upside down crucifixes, covered in confetti and silly string. Their reign of terror was just beginning to bloom.

"It looks like we're dealing with a bunch of clowns." Says officer Pooley Rootingarth

And clowns they are. One of our reporters was lucky enough to survive an encounter with a grenade juggler that called himself Mister Giggles. However, Peter was mortified to the point of suicide and is now in therapy, therefore giving us at The Daily Poop little information of this monstrous gang. However, what we do know is this, they have very little tolerance for seriousness and will kill anyone who doesn't smile in their presence.

We have al lot to learn of this mysterious race, but we here at The Daily Poop will go through thick and thin to give our readers the information they deserve, even if it means to sacrifice one of our own.

Homosexual Gorilla Goes on a Ravenous Spree of Murder

Bobblesalami was just a regular gorilla with only one little tiny alteration: he was gay. But he never did anything to harm anyone or anything. In fact, he loved to receive things from the locals that would offer him and would even pay them back with a gentle hug through the bars.

Bobblesalami loved to watch people as they witnessed him prancing around his habitat with his arms up, elbows down, and pinkies raised. He especially loved to have pretend tea parties with many of the stuffed animals that the children gave him. But most of all, he loved the elderly people and would often give them a pretend cup of tea and pat them on the head as they gave their thanks and walked away.

"I don't know what made him just snap like that." Says Bobblesalami's caretaker, Walter McWalter. "He was so good, and then... this happened."

While an unknown pedestrian was reaching through the bars to give Bobblesalami a ripe banana, the 800-pound gorilla reached through the bars and crushed the man's head through his fingers. Then, in an outburst of what spectators called a spurt of preternatural rage, the angry ape forced the mans body through the bars and continued to pommel him into the ground.

"I had to get my kids out of there," says Evelyn Loaf, a familiar with the crazed gorilla. "This was something that even the Faces of Death couldn't size up to and my children, God forbid, will never see anything like that again."
But the more optimistic Bob Saventer says with a chuckle, "It's a little something that I'll have to explain to the kids before the birds and the bees, I guess."

Zookeepers from throughout the Frankenweiner Zoo came to try to put out the flame that was Bobbinsalami, but even the most powerful of tranquilizers wouldn't stop this seven foot giant from escaping through the doors in which the keepers entered from.

In a tragic event, several other deaths had occurred by the hands of this once gentile beast before the law enforcement was forced to put the ape to rest once and for all.

"It's so sad," says Tina Smith, 9 "He was my friend and he always gave me a hug."

Many of the locals are trying to figure out what made this locally loved creature transform into a monstrous killing machine.

"He was fine until that man came along, but that shouldn't have made any difference. His emotional levels were running steady and smooth all morning. He even gave old man Jenkins (a local resident) one oh his best cups for tea" Securityman, Jebralter Macdaddy says after reviewing the tapes.

There's just no true reason for this gorillas actions, but the investigation is still unraveling clues as the days progress. More information on the reasons will be updated as the mystery is resolved

Horrible Exploding Virus Hangs in the Balance

While performing experimental studies in an L.A. virus lab facility, several elements and the Ebola virus were forged together to make a mortifying sickness that causes the entire body to burst into flames and explode in a fiery mess with little to no notice.

"We injected Murphey the chimp with it and seconds later, he just set fire and exploded." Virus expert Robert Gangledorf said. "Lucky for us, the fire was put out before anything else was destroyed, especially our protection."

Many have tried to figure out what causes the spontaneous explosion and have come up with a numerous amount of hypotheses. But the one that has come up most is this: When the outer protein coating of the virus comes in contact with a red blood cell, it causes an electric impulse that forces the cell into an uncontrollable convulsion. With the irregular spasm, the cell, in turn, shakes the virus enough to make the small nitroglycerine sack to burst, sending millions of replicas throughout the circulatory system. After the death of the virus, the cell is then completely eradicated. One viral explosion has the equivalent force of a 3-gram pouch of gunpowder. The virus then continues to explode into many other smaller ones until there is no blood left for the reaction to continue, but by this time, the explosions altogether are an equivalent to a full sized dynamite stick.

"I just hope this doesn’t get in the wrong hands." Says Pres. Bush "Our precious nation'll really go out with a 'bang'" Even though he said this with a bit of a grin, there has been no speculation of usind this virus as a weapon to wipe out the entire world. But then again, the nucular bomb wasn't meant to be a weapon either.

Even though many questions have been answered, there is still much more speculation to this virus that what meets the avarage eye.

Mysterious Flying Baby Saves Family of Five From Burning Apartment

On monday, April 11, a raging inferno threatened to devour an entire apartment complex in the thriving metropolis of Twoson, Conneticut. Everyone was able to escape the dire flames except for one unfortunate family that was hopelessly trapped between the 12th and 14th floor of the crumbling complex. But then something amazing happened.

"If my eyes didn't decieve me, I would have sworn that it was a flamingo that got launched from a high velocity cannon" Says former inhabitant, Bill Tompleton, 68.

Though seemingly preturnatural, in reality, the "flamingo" was none other than an infant with an amazing gift. It saved the lives of a family of four and their family pet as if it wasn't even a task enough to be rewarded for. It broke through the hundreds of gallons of water that the fire hoses were launching into the collapsing building and entered the building.

"If it weren't for that little toddler, I't be nothing but a charred skeleton lying down on my couch." Said the Husdband who started the fire with a cigarette butt. He wishes to remain anonymous for reasons that are understandable.

Jaques Trappe, photographer for the USA Tomorrow, says that even his unmatched skill couldn't capture a glimpse of this super baby in action. The only thing that he captured was a heap of bodies that came flying out from the 13th floor's window, and that was only with what he and many others saw with only their naked eyes.

"Being as stunned as I was, I could hardly move my hand to get a single snapshot." He said. "Even as the heap just... just levitated to safety."

If it wasn't enough to save an entire family from a white hot flaming inferno, the tiny tot stopped the building from falling onto the careless spectators below.

"That baby is a blessing to our entire town," Says Rev. Charles Shuefelt "and he dosen't even wear a cape!"

Even though what the baby did is nothing short of heroic, the officials of Twoson feel threatened by the presence of this tot because of what they can't do compared to it. It could be possible for them to lose their jobs unless they work harder to protect the town.

Haunted house on Nashua street

Since the early 1800's the house formally known as "The Banks Farm" was reported to have unsightly reenactments of a bloody murder that had taken place there in the summer months of 1812. The story says that one thunderous night, a prisoner from Plesent Valley CIT escaped without notice due to the tremendous claps of thunder that defened the sound of the hammering he made through the sewage lines. A week after his escape, he made shelter in a summer housing in an isolated part of newberlin. Unfortunately for the Banks residence, who had been gone that day to visit a relative, came home to find the escapee standing in their living room with a fresh killed bull that had been in a pasture.

"The godevil that was in that man's hand was still dripping with blood" Said a once promising buyer of the haunted household. "And he was just kind of standing in a daze, but it was like he knew I was there and wanted to see what he did."

The otopsy at the time showed that the first one to die was the youngest of them. Sheena Banks,12, died instantly with a direct blow through the skull that virtually split her down the middle. The next one was Douglass Banks who recieved multiple blows to his legs and chest before he was hung feet first by a chanelier and pulverized to a liquidy pulp even after death had encounterd him.

"It was like he was having a damn good time with that thing," Sais local journalist Paula Spadafrunt "like a child with a pinata that hadn't spilled its candy"

Vanessa and Peter Banks, The wife and son of Douglass were found in the basement's whine cellar with both of their torsos missing. The cut sections of their bodies were facing eachother and mad the sign of the swastica.

Later, both of the torsos bodies were found under the hanging corpse of their merciless killer.

though the house has been for sale for over 12 decades, there have been some "Ghost Hunters" that have lurked around the house for an interesting specemin to return to their laboratories.